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Sunday, Apr. 30, 2006
Howard Stern
New King of Satellite
By DAVID SPADE

Even though I didn’t catch on to the Stern craze till the mid-’90s, I still consider myself a hard-core fan. I was wrapping up my run on Saturday Night Live and usually slept in every day, so I missed his show. But I knew he was a big deal. I had heard people repeating bits he did, and they always made me laugh. He came in one day to meet with Lorne Michaels, and everyone was freaking out. That was the first time I met him. Way taller than I thought (who isn’t?) and quieter. And nice to everyone. Which still shocks me.

Stern, 52, was the first guy to make it seem cool to be a loser. To a lot of us who stay at home in a dark room eating Hot Pockets, he seemed like a buddy. He would make fun of good-looking famous people and make girls show their boobs. What’s not to like about that? I was sold.

After 10 years, he can still make me laugh and get me jealous when he thinks of something so fast that I don’t see it coming. He’s at his best when he’s complaining—the FCC, George W. Bush, whatever. Being a guest on his show, I get to hear the good and bad of my so-called life and career. Let me tell you, it’s a lot easier having Katie Couric tell me I look cute (as she did one day) than volunteering to go in and have Howard dissect every loser aspect of me that I would rather keep hidden. If I didn’t believe he thought I was funny, I’d never go on. He doesn’t do a lot of “Your movie’s great.”

He does a lot of “You’re not good-looking. Girls date you only because you’re on TV. Most of your movies suck. You probably killed Chris Farley. You’re jealous of Sandler. I have a caller who says he hates you and another who thinks you’re gay.” Not exactly James Lipton. But because he makes me laugh, it’s a lot (a little) easier to take.

The other day, I was pulling into the parking garage at my gym, listening to Stern. I did what I usually do if Stern is on a roll: I parked right before going underground so it wouldn’t cut out. I turned to my right, and some guy in a Subaru was parked next to me laughing. I rolled down the window and asked, “Stern?”, and he nodded. Two more fans out of millions having another laugh with the King of All Media. Or at least the Subaru.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1187317,00.html

Why Howard Stern?

by George Takei
January, 2006

The twists and turns of life can be so unpredictable. The day after New Year’s, a phone call suddenly presented an utterly unexpected prospect for me. It was from Gary Dell’Abate, the producer of the Howard Stern Show on the satellite radio network, Sirius.

I had been on the Howard Stern Show many times before – a few times intentionally, but more often, not. The times I went on the Stern Show with purpose were to promote a play I was doing or the publication of my autobiography, “To the Stars.” But more frequently, I’ve been on the show via bandit recordings of phrases I said while on the show – like, “Oh my!” – or a phone conversation with a celebrity imitator with whom I talked, thinking it was the real celebrity – most absurdly, a brief conversation with a rather poor imitator of Ricardo Montalban. Howard Stern has had his fun with me – and his listeners seemed to be having a hilarious good time listening to his mischiefs. The Stern Show technicians even took my voice from the audiocassette version of my autobiography and manipulated the words to make it seem as if I were actually making some outrageously vulgar statements. They say they’re doing all this because they love me, but, I must say, I’ve never been loved in such a bizarre way.

Gary Dell’Abate was calling me, only two days into the new year, with a question. Like Pavlov’s dog, my muscles immediately tightened. What new prank is this, I thought. This was the producer of the Howard Stern Show calling! Gary quickly assured me that our conversation was not being recorded. A little wary, but still a little curious, I continued the conversation. Gary asked, “Would you be interested in joining the Stern Show as the announcer?” I burst out laughing. I was not going to be taken in by that tired old joke. “No, I really mean it, George,” he insisted. “I’m serious.” He did sound sincere. Very guardedly, I played along. “Well, it does sound intriguing,” I responded. “But why don’t you talk to my agent and see what happens? You may not be able to afford me.” That should put an end to this trick, I thought. “Of course I’ll do that,” he assured me, “but I wanted to know if you would really be interested.” I sensed that he was trying to keep me on the line. So, I said to Gary that I would call my agent myself and tell him that I am intrigued by the invitation and gave him my agent’s number. Then I hung up. From that conversation with Gary Dell’Abate, the year 2006 was off and running as I had never, in my wildest dreams, expected it to be.

Of all things, the invitation turned out to be true! It wasn’t a prank. My agent had conversations with the Stern people, and, five days after that call from Gary, I was on a plane for New York to be the “announcer” on the Howard Stern Show.

Some people have questioned why I appear on a radio show so filled with disgusting talk and obscenity. I respond to them that, yes, the show has language and talk of body functions that really aren’t my cup of tea. I try not to use those words myself, but don’t we hear them around us daily? The body functions that Howard and gang talk about are what we all do daily as normal, healthy human beings. Howard simply talks about the realities of our life candidly. Some people seem to find life as it is – obscene. I don’t.

However, Howard Stern is passionately against what is truly obscene in our society. He has railed at the obscenity of allocating billions of dollars of pork barrel money for a “bridge to nowhere” in Alaska, while our soldiers in Iraq are dying because of deficient and ineffective body armor. He has attacked the indecency of tax cuts for the wealthiest at a time of war. He has howled at the outrage of plunging our nation into war with bad intelligence, tough talk, and inadequate planning. He strongly believes that people who love each other, care for each other, and take responsibility for each other that happen to be of the same gender are entitled to equal rights. Howard Stern is a shock jock because truth naked can be shocking. Some of his humor can be adolescent. So what? We all could use a bit of adolescent giggle from time to time. It’s good for us. And sometimes, for me it has been humbling, which is also good for all of us from time to time. Humility keeps us grounded. Laughter is the tonic of life.

Howard Stern challenges the status quo, politically, socially, and economically. He exercises our Constitutional freedom of speech vigorously. I admire his daring. I have high regard for his venturesome spirit in making the move from free terrestrial radio to the high-risk adventure of paid satellite radio. It was a singular distinction for me to be the first voice heard on the very first broadcast of his new show. And, Howard’s brave move seems to be paying off. His loyal fans and others are switching in the millions as subscribers to Sirius. It is in the same bold spirit of “Star Trek” – to explore new frontiers, new technologies, and new ways of doing things – and laughing at the absurdities of life all the way.

Satellite of love

Inside the studio on Howard Stern’s first Sirius morning

BY BILL JENSEN

About 100 reporters and photographers are milling around the plush Sirius Satellite Radio reception area in midtown Manhattan, waiting to be ushered into a press conference to document Howard Stern’s first day on satellite. Omelets are being served. Cappuccino is being poured. And we’re all listening to a woman describe the details of putting finger after finger up a man’s ass.

The new Howard Stern Show — the one he has been dying to share with America since he first took to the air 25 years ago — is being piped into the room. The idle chatter of the media is muffled as the audio play builds to a climax. The Associated Press reporter sitting next to me noticeably winces as the Stern regular they call “Evil Dave Letterman” asks sex-talk queen Heidi Cortez for the whole fist.

The theater of the mind has returned with a vengeance.

Fed up with the FCC’s murky guidelines as to what qualifies as indecent, Stern announced in the fall of 2004 that he was leaving “terrestrial” airwaves for a five-year, $500 million deal on Sirius satellite radio. He served out the rest of his contract with Infinity Broadcasting (which syndicated his show in 45 markets), but the last months of the show were strained. Old bits could no longer be played for fear of fines in the post-Janet’s-breast-at-the-Super-Bowl world. Strippers and porn stars, staples of Stern’s show, were noticeably absent. Eventually, the show devolved into one giant commercial for Sirius. Stern couldn’t wait to bust out.

On Monday, Stern busted.

Inside the new studio, custom-built for the show, Stern sat behind a massive U-shaped desk. To his left, sidekick Artie Lange and sound-effects man Fred Norris flanked the show’s writers and new addition, announcer George (Captain Sulu) Takei; newswoman Robin Quivers sat in a glass booth in front of Stern while a mass of robotic cameras for his on-demand cable-TV network swiveled overhead. All the goodies from the old studio, such as the Tickle Chair, Robospanker, and Wheel of Sex, stood guard to Stern’s right, next to a mirrored bookcase filled with show relics like the Gary Puppet (modeled after producer Gary Dell’ Abate), as well as bottles and bottles of vodka.

Stern’s first order of business was to address a rumor that he and long-time girlfriend Beth Ostrosky had gotten married over the holidays. He told everyone they had, only to recant, admitting that he was playing a joke on the staff (sort of a strange way to kick things off for a man who prizes honesty on the air). He then listed the darkest secrets of 11 members of the staff (which included masturbating while watching family members urinate, and sex with meat and vegetables), which would be matched to the confessor on a later show, and discussed varieties of oral and anal sex with Takei. All uncensored. You could hear the glee in Stern’s voice. The X-rated candy-store window he had pressed his nose up against for the last 25 years was smashed to bits, and all the sexed-up, grossed-out inventory was his for the taking.

In the past, the FCC and its unwitting agent, WXRK (Stern’s old flagship station) general manager Tom Chiusano armed with his infamous dump censor button, might have busted in and busted heads with Stern the second he muttered a phrase like “mud on the turtle” during a conversation about anal sex. The fights with guys like Chiusano were often a large part of the old show’s appeal — the entire plot of Howard Stern’s Private Parts focused on Stern flipping the bird to authority figures (remember Pig Vomit?). But today, after 25 years of painting himself — and not without good reason — as a man crucified by the FCC, that part of Stern’s cachet is gone. And he’s fully aware of it. (Stern did address grumblings that the FCC would try to regulate satellite radio now that he’s arrived: “This is a private affair,” he said. “If they go after us, this mean’s cable is going away, books are going away … there is no legal justification.”) But at 51, he’s made the choice to trade in the rebel-yell headaches for the freedom to do whatever he wants. Now he just has to get people to pay for that freedom.

IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?

An hour into the Monday broadcast, Quivers asked Stern how he was feeling.

“How do I feel?” answered Stern. “There’s four people listening.”

“Yeah, it kind of feels like we’re just talking to each other,” replied Quivers.

When Stern signed on to Sirius, the then-two-year-old provider was limping along with 600,000 subscribers. Today, after strong holiday sales of Sirius players, 3.3 million people are paying $12.95 per month for the service. The surge in sign-ups earned Stern (and agent Don Buchwald) a $220 million bonus in the form of Sirius stock.

But even if every Sirius subscriber listens to him, 3.3 million is a lot less than the 18 million Stern has been accustomed to throughout his career. And for a man who sees a therapist four times a week and has spent his life working through an obsessive-compulsive disorder that has crept into his mania about ratings, the 15-million dip in listenership could start to eat away at him — no matter how many summer-camp-counselor-lesbian stories he can now share on the air. (Not to mention the fact that Sirius is not even the biggest satellite-radio provider — XM radio, which offers Major League Baseball, Opie and Anthony, and Snoop Dog, has six million subscribers.)

But Stern is confident that this is just the beginning — he repeatedly equates paying for radio with paying for cable television and bottled water. And his romper room is now a whole lot larger.

He’s in charge of two 24-hour stations that will be chock-full of Stern-flavored news and shows (the $500 million price tag is reportedly earmarked for salaries and for marketing). The Stern favorite It’s Just Wrong (a game show in which family members undress each other) is back. Lesbian Dating Game is back. And then there are the new ideas. The ideas he wouldn’t have dared air on regular radio — like Tissue Time with Heidi, a phone-sex show to help men go to sleep, which he sampled during Monday’s debut (and which stopped Ed Bradley in his tracks during last month’s 60 Minutes interview with Stern). And though it hasn’t been publicized, once he has enough material in the bank, Stern will give himself Fridays off, which will help with the burnout factor.

Fielding questions about Sirius, his non-marriage, and his daughter performing nude in an off-Broadway play, Stern seemed relaxed and genuinely happy before the press. He talked about why he wears a condom (germs, added girth, endurance). He boasted of his nine-person news team (featuring New York news veterans like former managing editor of WABC Eyewitness News Liz Aiello, George Flowers, and Ralph Howard), which is saddled with one mission: to cover all things Stern. Beside him was his entire cast and support system, which give the show its dysfunctional-family-sitcom vibe, the real reason most listeners tune in each day. And Stern’s biggest advocate throughout his career, Mel Karmazin, came out of retirement to be Sirius’s CEO and has his back.

At one point, Stern scoffed at people wishing him luck in his “new venture.”

“I’ve been doing this for 25 fuckin’ — friggin’ — years,” he replied, catching himself after dropping an f-bomb.

A NEW AUTHORITY

Wait, did Stern just censor himself?

Yes. Stern doesn’t want any of his guys to curse unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Last week, during a studio test that was aired on Sirius, Stern got to taste the freedom of his new address for the first time — and anyone who happened to be listening got a taste of where Stern draws the line. As the staff worked out the new studio’s bugs, friends of the show called in, including Dan the Farter, a long-time guest with the Stern-coveted talent of being able to fart on command. On terrestrial radio, if his farts were “too wet,” they were censored. That was the actual law laid down by the powers that were. Now they will be to Stern’s juicy liking. Stern also played some old — and for once, uncensored — bits. In one, staffer Benjy Bronk engaged in role-play phone sex with a 66-year-old woman. He played the role of the horse: “Can you feel my hoofs on your back?”

The bit played out and the cast cackled at each mention of the term “horse cock.” Stern was in his element.

But then writer Sal the Stockbroker delivered some new bits. Bits that seemed to fulfill the mainstream media’s prophecy that the show will simply devolve into a carnival of “shits” and “fucks.” So during the test Stern quickly implemented a kangaroo-court system — each time a cast member drops the f-bomb, they will get tea-bagged by show writer Richard Christy. Obviously a joke, but you could tell Stern was not going to let his staff run roughshod over the freedom he worked so hard to obtain. “When I curse, it’s the right amount of cursing at the right time,” he chastised members of his staff toward the end of the test run. Then he played bumpers for his show’s new call-in number: 1-888-9-ASSHOLE.

Bill Jensen can be reached at bjensen@phx.com.

Link

Boldly going where no $%*!# has gone before

Stern proves he’s worth every dime on first day on satellite radio

REVIEW
By Helen A.S. Popkin
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 10:01 a.m. ET Jan. 10, 2006

The eve of the first Howard Stern broadcast on Sirius Satellite Radio, three questions hung in the air. Without a common enemy to rage against, such as the FCC, will the show lose its spirit? Without the “decency” limits of terrestrial radio, will the show become overly gratuitous and unlistenable? And perhaps the most burning question: Did Howard and girlfriend Beth Ostrosky get married recently while on vacation in Mexico?

All three questions were answered before the 6 a.m. show hit its second hour. A fourth question, as to whether any of Stern’s listeners would pay $12.95 a month to hear him, was answered by Christmas, when 180,000 new subscribers activated their accounts. It was confirmed on Sunday, January 8, the day before Stern’s Sirius debut, when subscription telephone activation was delayed nine hours due to caller volume. New York City-area Best Buy and Circuit City stores sold out of Sirius receivers that same weekend.

The Stern-inspired spike boosted Sirius listeners to more than 3 million. Whether satellite radio can stay afloat remains to be seen. As to the quality of Stern’s show, it remains as great (or as horrible — depending on individual tastes) as ever.

Yes, Stern is still irritable and potty-mouthed. The dynamic between his crew remains amicably contentious. Yes, there is cussing — enough to drown Stern in FCC fines had it been a terrestrial radio broadcast — though no more than an average conversation between teenagers on a city bus. No, Stern did not get married — though he pranked both his staff and audience by initially telling them he did. For the most part, it’s business as usual. And yes, it’s worth the money.

Stern’s Sirius stations, Howard 100 and 101, have been on the air for months, featuring various shows of a “Howard sensibility.” But the weekend before Stern’s debut, the stations remained in relative radio silence – only a heart beat and occasional sound bites spanning Stern’s career. “Join the Revolution! 1-9-06,” scrolled across the Sirius receiver LED screen. By 6 a.m., “SHUT UP!” silenced the quickened heartbeat, and the 800 Stern phone number replaced the scroll, spelling an expletive with its corresponding letters.

The theme to “2001: A Space Odyssey” began, with flatulence as the lead instrument. Musical bodily functions are a staple of the Stern show, so it was business as usual. The familiar baritone of George Takei (Sulu on “Star Trek”) announced the cast. After the introduction, Stern announced that Takei, the good-natured victim of many Stern-show pranks, is now the official show announcer.

Despite the much-ballyhooed high-tech studio, technical difficulties were somewhat a problem during the first few minutes of the show. Long-time Stern fans, however, are familiar with his constant kvetching over equipment. Stern’s tinny earphones and comedian Artie Lange’s microphone were quickly addressed while sound effects man Fred Norris played Tom Petty’s “The Last D.J.” Music provided the only breaks during the day, as the debut show was commercial free. (Following shows will feature six-minute commercial breaks per hour).

Stern addressed swearing right off, announcing that he would avoid expletives, as it gets old fast. “We are going to new places, and that does not mean the F-word,” he said. “What it means is something really important. We can do anything we want.” Within minutes of this announcement, Stern let a few expletives slip, and quipped that these particular words were no longer considered swearing.

The most blatant expletive abuse came from tapes the Stern show couldn’t air while on terrestrial radio. Specifically, “Insider” host Pat O’Brien’s notorious sexually explicit telephone message was played in its entirety.

Captain Janks, the most successful Stern crank caller, phoned in with recent recordings of expletive-laced calls to CNN. The tapes only emphasized Stern’s contention that this stuff gets old. Frankly, Janks calls are much more creative when he operates within the constraints necessitated by terrestrial radio.

Stern, however, never approached the obscenity critics foresaw, and the show’s energy never flagged. The most anticipated moment was possibly the best of the day. Stern casually announced to a caller that the rumors are true, he was recently married. His crew exploded (figuratively). Co-host Robin Quivers demanded the million dollars she wagered when Stern said many times before that he would never remarry. Lange wanted to know about a prenup, bemoaning that now he would have to get married too. Producer Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate questioned why Stern would advise against marriage and then do it himself.

Finally, Stern ended the joke, announcing that he wasn’t really married. But the topic didn’t end there. At the 8:30 a.m. news conference, reporters (including members of the Howard 100 news team) repeatedly asked Stern whether he was married. For his part, Stern remained confident and articulate, and stuck to the talking points — that he does not feel 43 cents a day is too much to pay for satellite radio, given its many features, that Sirius subscriptions are soaring, and that satellite radio is the future. Of course, Stern also threw around the obligatory banter, making graphic sexual revelations and complementing female journalists on their cleavage.

Helen A.S. Popkin, a New York writer, hit every electronics store in the tri-state area this weekend looking for a Sirius receiver. Happily, some kindly dope-smoking young clerks in remote Brooklyn dug one out of their store basement.
© 2006 MSNBC Interactive

© 2006 MSNBC.com

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10776599/