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Satellite of love

Inside the studio on Howard Stern’s first Sirius morning

BY BILL JENSEN

About 100 reporters and photographers are milling around the plush Sirius Satellite Radio reception area in midtown Manhattan, waiting to be ushered into a press conference to document Howard Stern’s first day on satellite. Omelets are being served. Cappuccino is being poured. And we’re all listening to a woman describe the details of putting finger after finger up a man’s ass.

The new Howard Stern Show — the one he has been dying to share with America since he first took to the air 25 years ago — is being piped into the room. The idle chatter of the media is muffled as the audio play builds to a climax. The Associated Press reporter sitting next to me noticeably winces as the Stern regular they call “Evil Dave Letterman” asks sex-talk queen Heidi Cortez for the whole fist.

The theater of the mind has returned with a vengeance.

Fed up with the FCC’s murky guidelines as to what qualifies as indecent, Stern announced in the fall of 2004 that he was leaving “terrestrial” airwaves for a five-year, $500 million deal on Sirius satellite radio. He served out the rest of his contract with Infinity Broadcasting (which syndicated his show in 45 markets), but the last months of the show were strained. Old bits could no longer be played for fear of fines in the post-Janet’s-breast-at-the-Super-Bowl world. Strippers and porn stars, staples of Stern’s show, were noticeably absent. Eventually, the show devolved into one giant commercial for Sirius. Stern couldn’t wait to bust out.

On Monday, Stern busted.

Inside the new studio, custom-built for the show, Stern sat behind a massive U-shaped desk. To his left, sidekick Artie Lange and sound-effects man Fred Norris flanked the show’s writers and new addition, announcer George (Captain Sulu) Takei; newswoman Robin Quivers sat in a glass booth in front of Stern while a mass of robotic cameras for his on-demand cable-TV network swiveled overhead. All the goodies from the old studio, such as the Tickle Chair, Robospanker, and Wheel of Sex, stood guard to Stern’s right, next to a mirrored bookcase filled with show relics like the Gary Puppet (modeled after producer Gary Dell’ Abate), as well as bottles and bottles of vodka.

Stern’s first order of business was to address a rumor that he and long-time girlfriend Beth Ostrosky had gotten married over the holidays. He told everyone they had, only to recant, admitting that he was playing a joke on the staff (sort of a strange way to kick things off for a man who prizes honesty on the air). He then listed the darkest secrets of 11 members of the staff (which included masturbating while watching family members urinate, and sex with meat and vegetables), which would be matched to the confessor on a later show, and discussed varieties of oral and anal sex with Takei. All uncensored. You could hear the glee in Stern’s voice. The X-rated candy-store window he had pressed his nose up against for the last 25 years was smashed to bits, and all the sexed-up, grossed-out inventory was his for the taking.

In the past, the FCC and its unwitting agent, WXRK (Stern’s old flagship station) general manager Tom Chiusano armed with his infamous dump censor button, might have busted in and busted heads with Stern the second he muttered a phrase like “mud on the turtle” during a conversation about anal sex. The fights with guys like Chiusano were often a large part of the old show’s appeal — the entire plot of Howard Stern’s Private Parts focused on Stern flipping the bird to authority figures (remember Pig Vomit?). But today, after 25 years of painting himself — and not without good reason — as a man crucified by the FCC, that part of Stern’s cachet is gone. And he’s fully aware of it. (Stern did address grumblings that the FCC would try to regulate satellite radio now that he’s arrived: “This is a private affair,” he said. “If they go after us, this mean’s cable is going away, books are going away … there is no legal justification.”) But at 51, he’s made the choice to trade in the rebel-yell headaches for the freedom to do whatever he wants. Now he just has to get people to pay for that freedom.

IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?

An hour into the Monday broadcast, Quivers asked Stern how he was feeling.

“How do I feel?” answered Stern. “There’s four people listening.”

“Yeah, it kind of feels like we’re just talking to each other,” replied Quivers.

When Stern signed on to Sirius, the then-two-year-old provider was limping along with 600,000 subscribers. Today, after strong holiday sales of Sirius players, 3.3 million people are paying $12.95 per month for the service. The surge in sign-ups earned Stern (and agent Don Buchwald) a $220 million bonus in the form of Sirius stock.

But even if every Sirius subscriber listens to him, 3.3 million is a lot less than the 18 million Stern has been accustomed to throughout his career. And for a man who sees a therapist four times a week and has spent his life working through an obsessive-compulsive disorder that has crept into his mania about ratings, the 15-million dip in listenership could start to eat away at him — no matter how many summer-camp-counselor-lesbian stories he can now share on the air. (Not to mention the fact that Sirius is not even the biggest satellite-radio provider — XM radio, which offers Major League Baseball, Opie and Anthony, and Snoop Dog, has six million subscribers.)

But Stern is confident that this is just the beginning — he repeatedly equates paying for radio with paying for cable television and bottled water. And his romper room is now a whole lot larger.

He’s in charge of two 24-hour stations that will be chock-full of Stern-flavored news and shows (the $500 million price tag is reportedly earmarked for salaries and for marketing). The Stern favorite It’s Just Wrong (a game show in which family members undress each other) is back. Lesbian Dating Game is back. And then there are the new ideas. The ideas he wouldn’t have dared air on regular radio — like Tissue Time with Heidi, a phone-sex show to help men go to sleep, which he sampled during Monday’s debut (and which stopped Ed Bradley in his tracks during last month’s 60 Minutes interview with Stern). And though it hasn’t been publicized, once he has enough material in the bank, Stern will give himself Fridays off, which will help with the burnout factor.

Fielding questions about Sirius, his non-marriage, and his daughter performing nude in an off-Broadway play, Stern seemed relaxed and genuinely happy before the press. He talked about why he wears a condom (germs, added girth, endurance). He boasted of his nine-person news team (featuring New York news veterans like former managing editor of WABC Eyewitness News Liz Aiello, George Flowers, and Ralph Howard), which is saddled with one mission: to cover all things Stern. Beside him was his entire cast and support system, which give the show its dysfunctional-family-sitcom vibe, the real reason most listeners tune in each day. And Stern’s biggest advocate throughout his career, Mel Karmazin, came out of retirement to be Sirius’s CEO and has his back.

At one point, Stern scoffed at people wishing him luck in his “new venture.”

“I’ve been doing this for 25 fuckin’ — friggin’ — years,” he replied, catching himself after dropping an f-bomb.

A NEW AUTHORITY

Wait, did Stern just censor himself?

Yes. Stern doesn’t want any of his guys to curse unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Last week, during a studio test that was aired on Sirius, Stern got to taste the freedom of his new address for the first time — and anyone who happened to be listening got a taste of where Stern draws the line. As the staff worked out the new studio’s bugs, friends of the show called in, including Dan the Farter, a long-time guest with the Stern-coveted talent of being able to fart on command. On terrestrial radio, if his farts were “too wet,” they were censored. That was the actual law laid down by the powers that were. Now they will be to Stern’s juicy liking. Stern also played some old — and for once, uncensored — bits. In one, staffer Benjy Bronk engaged in role-play phone sex with a 66-year-old woman. He played the role of the horse: “Can you feel my hoofs on your back?”

The bit played out and the cast cackled at each mention of the term “horse cock.” Stern was in his element.

But then writer Sal the Stockbroker delivered some new bits. Bits that seemed to fulfill the mainstream media’s prophecy that the show will simply devolve into a carnival of “shits” and “fucks.” So during the test Stern quickly implemented a kangaroo-court system — each time a cast member drops the f-bomb, they will get tea-bagged by show writer Richard Christy. Obviously a joke, but you could tell Stern was not going to let his staff run roughshod over the freedom he worked so hard to obtain. “When I curse, it’s the right amount of cursing at the right time,” he chastised members of his staff toward the end of the test run. Then he played bumpers for his show’s new call-in number: 1-888-9-ASSHOLE.

Bill Jensen can be reached at bjensen@phx.com.

Link

Boldly going where no $%*!# has gone before

Stern proves he’s worth every dime on first day on satellite radio

REVIEW
By Helen A.S. Popkin
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 10:01 a.m. ET Jan. 10, 2006

The eve of the first Howard Stern broadcast on Sirius Satellite Radio, three questions hung in the air. Without a common enemy to rage against, such as the FCC, will the show lose its spirit? Without the “decency” limits of terrestrial radio, will the show become overly gratuitous and unlistenable? And perhaps the most burning question: Did Howard and girlfriend Beth Ostrosky get married recently while on vacation in Mexico?

All three questions were answered before the 6 a.m. show hit its second hour. A fourth question, as to whether any of Stern’s listeners would pay $12.95 a month to hear him, was answered by Christmas, when 180,000 new subscribers activated their accounts. It was confirmed on Sunday, January 8, the day before Stern’s Sirius debut, when subscription telephone activation was delayed nine hours due to caller volume. New York City-area Best Buy and Circuit City stores sold out of Sirius receivers that same weekend.

The Stern-inspired spike boosted Sirius listeners to more than 3 million. Whether satellite radio can stay afloat remains to be seen. As to the quality of Stern’s show, it remains as great (or as horrible — depending on individual tastes) as ever.

Yes, Stern is still irritable and potty-mouthed. The dynamic between his crew remains amicably contentious. Yes, there is cussing — enough to drown Stern in FCC fines had it been a terrestrial radio broadcast — though no more than an average conversation between teenagers on a city bus. No, Stern did not get married — though he pranked both his staff and audience by initially telling them he did. For the most part, it’s business as usual. And yes, it’s worth the money.

Stern’s Sirius stations, Howard 100 and 101, have been on the air for months, featuring various shows of a “Howard sensibility.” But the weekend before Stern’s debut, the stations remained in relative radio silence – only a heart beat and occasional sound bites spanning Stern’s career. “Join the Revolution! 1-9-06,” scrolled across the Sirius receiver LED screen. By 6 a.m., “SHUT UP!” silenced the quickened heartbeat, and the 800 Stern phone number replaced the scroll, spelling an expletive with its corresponding letters.

The theme to “2001: A Space Odyssey” began, with flatulence as the lead instrument. Musical bodily functions are a staple of the Stern show, so it was business as usual. The familiar baritone of George Takei (Sulu on “Star Trek”) announced the cast. After the introduction, Stern announced that Takei, the good-natured victim of many Stern-show pranks, is now the official show announcer.

Despite the much-ballyhooed high-tech studio, technical difficulties were somewhat a problem during the first few minutes of the show. Long-time Stern fans, however, are familiar with his constant kvetching over equipment. Stern’s tinny earphones and comedian Artie Lange’s microphone were quickly addressed while sound effects man Fred Norris played Tom Petty’s “The Last D.J.” Music provided the only breaks during the day, as the debut show was commercial free. (Following shows will feature six-minute commercial breaks per hour).

Stern addressed swearing right off, announcing that he would avoid expletives, as it gets old fast. “We are going to new places, and that does not mean the F-word,” he said. “What it means is something really important. We can do anything we want.” Within minutes of this announcement, Stern let a few expletives slip, and quipped that these particular words were no longer considered swearing.

The most blatant expletive abuse came from tapes the Stern show couldn’t air while on terrestrial radio. Specifically, “Insider” host Pat O’Brien’s notorious sexually explicit telephone message was played in its entirety.

Captain Janks, the most successful Stern crank caller, phoned in with recent recordings of expletive-laced calls to CNN. The tapes only emphasized Stern’s contention that this stuff gets old. Frankly, Janks calls are much more creative when he operates within the constraints necessitated by terrestrial radio.

Stern, however, never approached the obscenity critics foresaw, and the show’s energy never flagged. The most anticipated moment was possibly the best of the day. Stern casually announced to a caller that the rumors are true, he was recently married. His crew exploded (figuratively). Co-host Robin Quivers demanded the million dollars she wagered when Stern said many times before that he would never remarry. Lange wanted to know about a prenup, bemoaning that now he would have to get married too. Producer Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate questioned why Stern would advise against marriage and then do it himself.

Finally, Stern ended the joke, announcing that he wasn’t really married. But the topic didn’t end there. At the 8:30 a.m. news conference, reporters (including members of the Howard 100 news team) repeatedly asked Stern whether he was married. For his part, Stern remained confident and articulate, and stuck to the talking points — that he does not feel 43 cents a day is too much to pay for satellite radio, given its many features, that Sirius subscriptions are soaring, and that satellite radio is the future. Of course, Stern also threw around the obligatory banter, making graphic sexual revelations and complementing female journalists on their cleavage.

Helen A.S. Popkin, a New York writer, hit every electronics store in the tri-state area this weekend looking for a Sirius receiver. Happily, some kindly dope-smoking young clerks in remote Brooklyn dug one out of their store basement.
© 2006 MSNBC Interactive

© 2006 MSNBC.com

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10776599/

by Sir Andrew MacCreary

For those who take the time to get to know a person, there is always something rewarding that is worth the wait. No matter your first impressions there is always more than meets the eye. Well I guess most of the time. It doesn’t always happen, and sometimes you can be completely wrong, but first impressions can be deceiving. And if you take the time, most often, that patience is rewarded. When I first heard Howard on the radio it was just a bit under 7 years ago working at the Newbury Comics warehouse in Boston. A total shithole of a job standing in one place all day putting price stickers on CD’s and the ONLY thing that got me through the morning, and got my day started off right, was listening to Howard and the rest of the gang on the show mercilessly make fun of Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky ‘scandal’. I’d never laughed harder in my life, and as I was laughing I would notice a few things. One, every single radio in this massive warehouse tuned in and everyone was listening, and everyone had smiles on their faces and were laughing as hard as I was. Two, all the people I worked with there were probably some of the nicest, sweetest and most sincere people I had known up until then. I thought to myself – ‘these arent the angry, sexist, racist, disgusting people I had expected to be fans of this show’. Ever since then all the people I knew or met who were fans of the show were probably the kindest people you could ever ask to meet. It was like a very large and strange family. I realized that what Howard was doing on his show was not making fun or degrading strippers, he wasn’t insulting the mentally handicapped, he wasn’t condoning racism, he wasnt belittling dwarfs (no pun intended). He relates to outcasts of society as he felt, and in many many ways still feels, to be one himself. Its ironic that to this day people who say hes a sexist, racist, hateful human being are the very ones who dont take the time themselves to get over their OWN prejudice, to see if their own hatred is justified. If they did, they’d see it isn’t. His sense of humor isnt everyones cup of tea, but beneath that is a person who hasnt forgotten who and what got him where he is today. He is a loyal person to his friends, family and fans alike. How do I know? Listen to the honesty that comes out of his mouth everyday and you will see. The real anger, the real passion, the real humor, and the real love for people. He gives millions of outcasts (12 million listeners every day, 20 million a day at hs peak in the early to mid 90′s) a place to vent every morning and to get through jobs they feel get them nowhere in life. He relates to his guests, he understands where they come, he comes from that same insecure place. He relates to his guests, his ‘Whack Pack’, his fans. Sure he busts their balls and teases them on their show, but friends do that to each other. I realized that Howard is very humane caring person, and listening to such things as when he talked a man down from killing himself on the GW Bridge in NYC years ago, or his 9/11 show breaking the news live in total disbelief just blocks away from the World Trade Center, or just his second to last show where he was choked up saying goodbye to members of the famous ‘Whack Pack’. His show is a place for people who feel left out in some way, to come together, laugh, tease one another, and ultimately feel like they are part of something. I love and respect Howard Stern immensely not just for his humor, but for giving alot of people a strange sense of belonging to something, and something that brings joy to everyone who is in their own way, become a part of the show. He has said himself its like one big family of dysfunctional people, and ‘together we are strong’.